Like the idiot I am, I invited the new love of my life home for Thanksgiving. I should have known I was inviting him to the dinner from hell, he being Catholic and me being Jewish.

First, my parents greeted us at the door with “Look, it’s Hester and the boy from ‘Rent a Goy!'” Then, like he was from another country instead of another religion, they proceeded to EXPLAIN Thanksgiving to him! Then they acted like he did not understand English. “Does your friend like turkey? Would your friend like more potatoes?”

After dinner, we went into the living room where my father started the small talk with “So, you’re Catholic…you know the Catholics sided with the Germans during the Holocaust, I suppose your parents agreed with that…Do they know you are dating a Jewish girl? She *DID* tell you she was Jewish didn’t she? You DO know that any children you have will have to be raised Jewish don’t you? You ARE circumcised aren’t you? WHAT? WHAT?”….

My mother kept trying to feed him more..I swear she ACTUALLY said, “Eat, eat! You’re so skinny!”….In desperation, my date, the love of my life, blurted out “I have to go now. So sorry. I forgot…..to feed my goldfish!” and darted from the house WITHOUT ME!! As he ran sprinting for the car, my mother smiled and said, “Nice boy for a goy. Who knew?”

I waited two days to call and apologize and by then he had changed his number. Family traditions, you gotta love ’em..