Please pass the humble pie

by IVnak8, Fuquay Varina, NC

I try not to reflect back on unfortunate events of my dating life, but I believe that this memory of mine falls into the �disaster� category so I feel the need to share it. Shortly after the break-up of a long term relationship, I was offered the opportunity to get back into the dating social circle when a friend of mine set me up with his girlfriend�s cousin who happened to be visiting for the weekend. First impressions seemed to go alright as she was really easy on the eyes as far as physical appearances went. But when she opened her mouth to speak, I felt that the evening was going to be a real eye opener to say the least. Think along the lines of Minnie Mouse inhaling helium and then add to that a vivid stream of profanities thrown in for good measure. Apparently she had been raised by a group of sailors and longshoremen as her vocabulary consisted of more swear words than I was familiar with. But being that I was incapable of conjuring up a life threatening ailment on the spot to excuse myself for the evening, I sucked it up and escorted Ms. Filthy Mouth Squeak Toy as my date for dinner and drinks.

As luck would have it, the Italian restaurant we decided to eat at just happened to be the same establishment that my former girlfriend and her new chisel-chinned beau chose to dine at, as well. This awkward situation seemed to be heightened even more as both parties were seated within earshot of one another. I found myself slinking lower in my chair every time Squeaky loudly and lewdly voiced her opinion of life in general. And her vulgar volume only seemed to intensify after each glass of wine that she absorbed like a sponge. I caught the amused look of smug satisfaction on the face of my former sweetheart as it was evident that she had traded up while I myself had plummeted downward into the depths of desperation.

Thankfully, the noise in the crowded restaurant eventually seemed to drown out the shrill babbling coming from our table. It was only a matter of time until my ex- lost interest in what was going on with my miserable situation and become totally wrapped up in the adoring gaze of her sculptured Adonis. That is until my date decided that she was still hungry after scarfing down her entire meal and decided to plunge her fork onto my plate in a desperate attempt to spear the one remaining meatball sending the plate of pasta into my chest like a marina missile.

As we left, I gathered up the last remaining speck of my pride and humbly walked past my ex�s table trying to avert my eyes as her laughter seemed to be more obvious than all the other diners there. But she was kind enough to leave a message on my answering machine later that night��You�re still a fun date!�